Altair – Distrust
DISTRUST
If there was one thing Addison remembered vividly from her younger years it would have to be those Sunday afternoon trips to the park with Daddy. The longs hours would seem to pass in golden sepia as the warm breeze kissed her cheeks, swinging to and fro on the old playground swing.
“Higher, Daddy! Higher!” Addison persisted, as her father gently propelled her through the air. At the swing on Sunday afternoons with Daddy, was time when little Addison felt most free and safe at the same time.
At four O’ clock, the ice cream truck passed by and Daddy went over and get her favorite vanilla drumstick. Nothing could make a lazy afternoon better than having that frosty goodness against the balmy midday sun.
“I’ll be right back, Honey…” Her father said as he headed over to the truck grabbing some change from his back pocket. Addison nodded nonchalantly and continued her lackadaisical bliss. Gathering momentum, faster she went until the world became blur of bright colors and all the noise was drowned out except the sound of her own laughter.
From the highest point of her swing, she spotted her father next to the ice cream truck getting a vanilla drumstick and strawberry Popsicle.
“Getting that A+ last exam was all worth it!” She thought to herself, as she giggled with excitement from the thought of getting an extra treat this afternoon.
Minutes later Daddy gets back. “Here you go, sweetie. Your favorite!” handing her vanilla drumstick, “…So shall I give my little princess a trip to the moon?”
Addison felt here lips smile slowly, and nodded back to her Daddy.
Though she couldn’t understand, she felt her eyes begin to well up. But she didn’t let it show. She never let it show.
Long time no hear brother! I didn’t think you were going to post. The Oracle thought that there would be bitter ending to this, like the Father getting killed or the child falling off the swing and losing trust, but that’s my morbid mind. Your depiction however, is very warm and real, hitting the right notes on mood setting.
hmm…if the title up top weren’t distrust, I wouldn’t have gotten the point immediately. Maybe it’s just me, mind kinda slow this morning. i had to re-read the last few sentences to get it.
Language-wise, this piece is sound. that’s altair for you. (“lackadaisical”, show off. haha.)
Clarity-wise, i just feel the ending could have been more fleshed out because that’s where the meat is. perhaps it’s the word-count limit putting pressure on the writer to wrap it all up soon. reading it now, one feels the languorous and scenic opening, while beautifully written, does not really help the reader feel Addison’s disappointment. And see, there it is–the piece comes across more like a piece on disappointment than on distrust.
What you guys think?
I think it comes off to me more of a piece on trust. For me it shows Addison’s trust in her dad. I don’t know but that’s how I absorbed it.
well, wait. the point at the end is that Dad didn’t give Addison the strawberry popsicle right? Just the vanilla drumstick? and Addison felt ‘betrayed’ by that, right?
Yes brothers! Artanis is alive and well…and aching from a bleeding pen. It warms my heart to see that our long gone legacy is finally picking up once more.
Now just to clear any confusion about, i admit that the given word count has put some pressure as to how i wrote up my short. The back story is actually that the father has another family and he would see the child in secret during their strolls every Sunday afternoon.
Wasn’t exactly as fleshed-out as i would have wanted it to be. Damn you Alistair and you’re frakkin’ word limit. Haha!
“The back story is actually that the father has another family and he would see the child in secret during their strolls every Sunday afternoon.” – not exactly best to leave this out, eh, Artanis? Lackadaisical showoff! Haha. Mind the next assignment, troubadour.
i thought the kid took her father’s words literally.. “…So shall I give my little princess a trip to the moon?” who would trust a father that can do that? haha!
*sniff*…hmm..humans.